My Mommy Puts Me in the Freezer

Hi, my name is Maddy Eckler  and when I’m a bad girl, my mommy puts me in the freezer. At first, when I was little, I could fit into the kitchen freezer, but when I got too big, she made me go out to the garage’s big one.
It’s cold in there, but mommy says it [...]

Sebelia Outsourced Project Runway Collection to Me

Recently, Jeffrey Sebelia, one of the final contestants on Project Runway, was accused of outsourcing the sewing for his Fashion Week collection, which would disqualify him from the competition. Apparently Bravo conducted a “very intense and thorough investigation” to be revealed on tomorrow’s episode. But The Ice Calf conducted our own investigation and we discovered [...]

Celebrities Fly Light with Luxury Suction

Keanu Reeves after three hours of Luxury Suction.
By Jonathan Kujlik
Hollywood, CA—The U.S. Department of Homeland Security may have eased up on restrictions of liquids, but celebrities often need to carry more gels, liquids and facial products than would fit into a one-quart bag.
“I never travel without my entire line of facial care, hair care, leg [...]

Friday Human Blogging—I Love My Human

In honor of Friday, I want to start off by telling you how much I love my human.
I love the way she snores at night, her breath softly smelling of pizza. I love the way her silky hair tastes in my mouth. I like running my paw against her arm, which is sleek and cool. [...]

I Wipe My Butt with Spinach

I’m not ashamed to confess that I wipe my butt with the dark, leafy-green vegetable known as spinach. As a world-traveling professional, I don’t have time to deal with rough, scratchy paper. It’s passé, it’s bestial, it’s coarse.
I carry bagged spinach and save half for a salad and half for my butt. Spinach is superior [...]

Aleen Is My Name, Dammit!

Euan Denholm/Reuters
I am so totally sick of Lucy. I’ve been buried in silt for millions of years while that dang Lucy kept getting all the attention. I have a hyoid bone, people! I am more complete than that spotlight-stealing, dig-diva. I am the child that family trees beg for.
And please stop calling me Selam. It [...]

Embryo Ice Cream

September 21, 2006—Hopetown, OH
Jen & Harry’s ice cream is known for its startlingly fresh and complex flavors. We thought last year’s winner, Scab, was the ultimate in gross, but delicious. But this year, they went over the top and have developed their newest stunner: Embryo!
The Ice Calf interviewed Ohio resident Gary Hopper about the controversial [...]

Project Runway Dissed Me!

Hi, my name is Sharon Moon and I’m really pissed at Project Runway. They edited me out of Season 3 in every shot! Did you see me sitting next to Vincent the first episode? No. Did you watch MY model workin’ it down the runway? No. In fact, I was treated like Asian women everywhere—invisible!
No [...]

Teacher Orders Korean Baby Online

When Marilyn Graff uses the Internet, the 42-year-old usually shows eighth graders in her rural Wisconsin classroom how to conduct research. But last year, Ms. Graff joined the growing numbers of couples who use the Internet to secure children from other countries.
“We discovered that we couldn’t have children a few years ago, so we decided [...]

Welcome to The Ice Calf

Where hitting below the belt is a daily experience! These columns will contain 100% of your full daily value of irreverance, complete idiocy and unabashed sassiness.
No moaning, bitching or whining allowed either. That’s reserved for our staff.
All right! Let the games begin.
—The staff at The Ice Calf