I’m not ashamed to confess that I wipe my butt with the dark, leafy-green vegetable known as spinach. As a world-traveling professional, I don’t have time to deal with rough, scratchy paper. It’s passé, it’s bestial, it’s coarse.
I carry bagged spinach and save half for a salad and half for my butt. Spinach is superior because it gets my butt shining white and clean. It’s quite a science, and I’ve even hired myself out to New York socialites and celebrities to demonstrate how spinach does the deep clean, gently.
With all this ruckus about E.coli and bagged spinach—well, it makes me furious. All of those immigrants must be wiping their butts with spinach, too. They try so hard to be American, but their backward attempts at mimicking upper-class people like me just cause innocent citizens to become sick. Go back to your rolls of paper and sanitizing gel in your squatter port-a-potties!
And they’re not even doing it right, those farm hands. You properly wash your hands after wiping your butt with spinach. And if you really need to eat the spinach after wiping, well then, you wash it and then spritz it with organic vinegar for extra cleansing! You’d never catch me or my clients suffering from bacteria-related spinach outbreaks. I have the cleanest spinach in Manhattan.
I run a high-class operation and I refuse to let sunburned grubbers ruin it for us. A clean butt is a white butt and don’t any of you forget it.
1 Comment
September 22, 2006 at 8:36 pm
thanks for the important life lesson. i one time decided to be “different” and used kale. oh man, that was a mistake! let me tell you, kale does not have the same efficiency and softness as spinach. i thought kale would be better because it’s all rippled. my thinking was that rippled would result in better pick up. boy, i was wrong. all i got was a minor skin irritation. do not try kale. stick with the tried and true — spinach (a man’s best friend).