Keanu Reeves after three hours of Luxury Suction.
By Jonathan Kujlik
Hollywood, CA—The U.S. Department of Homeland Security may have eased up on restrictions of liquids, but celebrities often need to carry more gels, liquids and facial products than would fit into a one-quart bag.
“I never travel without my entire line of facial care, hair care, leg care, personal hygiene liquids and ear gel,” says Jessica Simpson. “It’s impossible to pack it in my checked luggage because once they know it’s you, your stuff always goes missing.”
So, the Hollywood “It” girl chose to join the growing list of celebrities who undergo what is called Luxury Suction, a fast, quick suck that removes over 100% of a body’s fluids, including blood, urine and spinal fluid and replaces them with a variety of personal care liquids.
“It’s kind of gross-sounding, ” recounts Justin Timberlake. “But I can carry an unbelievable amount of hair gel in my calf and all of my cologne in my left buttock.”
Christie Brinkley swears by Luxury Suction. “It doesn’t hurt. You feel different, sure, but mostly, it’s a fresh, light feeling.”
Once the Luxury Suction is complete, celebrities board planes and fly anywhere, without a complaint in sight. Some flight attendants from Delta are happy about the procedure. “They don’t complain and they don’t smuggle their lipgloss in their rectums anymore,” says Michael Klein, head flight attendant. “I don’t know how many times we had to do body cavity searches on the celebrities.”
Proponents of Luxury Suction are quick to add that the procedure isn’t cheap and that the average person probably wouldn’t want to go through the three-to-seven hour process. Indeed, the cost would prohibit the average person. There’s the $18,000 initial suction and depositing of personal care liquids, plus the $10,000 Replenish stage, which is the restoring of the body back to its natural fluids. If you’re worried about the toxins in your body, Slurp!, the hip cosmetic clinic that pioneered Luxury Suction, also offers a $30,000 fluid cleanse.
“The Cleanse is a very popular request after the Luxury Suction,” says Dr. Hines Dosson, who does an average of 30 Luxury Suctions a week for stars such as Madonna, Whitney Houston, Taffy Sinclair and John Mayer. “People want the freshest fluids and we provide that.”
Not all celebrities believe in Luxury Suction. “It’s wasteful and repulsive!” says Brad Pitt. “With the money from those procedures, I could adopt a lot of children. I find it really hard to support this fad when you could be saving lives, not sucking away your own.”
But the stars refuse to be denied their liquids. “I have to have my special tonics and herbal tinctures in me at all times,” says Mary-Kate Olsen. “Otherwise I’m a complete wreck on the plane and can’t eat a thing. I love Luxury Suction because it does all the work for me.”
For more information, visit luxurysuction.com.
