Recently, Jeffrey Sebelia, one of the final contestants on Project Runway, was accused of outsourcing the sewing for his Fashion Week collection, which would disqualify him from the competition. Apparently Bravo conducted a “very intense and thorough investigation” to be revealed on tomorrow’s episode. But The Ice Calf conducted our own investigation and we discovered the shocking truth: L. F. Mann, whom many claim to be an “invisible genius” at sewing and construction, is claiming to have sewn all of Sebelia’s creations on the show.
The Ice Calf: You’re making a huge claim, here. You really sewed all of Jeffrey’s designs, even the ones before Fashion Week?
L.F. Mann: Yes, I did. Jeffrey hired me last summer and since I had engagements in New York at the time, I accepted the deal.
IC: What was the deal? Didn’t you know this was grounds for disqualification?
LFM: OK, here’s the story. I took a dare from my cousins who work on Manolos. They said I didn’t have the balls to do a national show and get my talent recognized. But I did. And now they’re just shoe elves while I’ve sat on Heidi’s lap. Ha!
Jeffrey knew what he was doing when he hired me. He likes to take risks, too.
IC: Wait a minute. You sat on Heidi’s LAP? How did you escape being seen by everyone?
LFM: Duh.
IC: Um, pardon?
LFM: Didn’t you know I’m half elf?
IC: Well … we don’t like to make assumptions around here. Let’s make it clear to us and our readers.
LFM: Being any percentage of elf means you don’t get noticed unless you want others to see you. I was there the entire time, helping Jeffrey drape and sew. And if you see him grinning idiotically, it’s because I was there, telling tiny jokes. Obscene, really, so they weren’t fit to be overheard.
IC: So, you did most of your sewing with Jeffrey during the shoots?
LFM: Most of the time.
IC: Most of the time?
LFM: Well, sometimes on overnight challenges, I’d help out. It wasn’t in our contract, but I felt sorry for him. On the inside, Jeffrey is bruised and vulnerable.
IC: Right.
LFM: Hey, everyone has his personal angst. I mean, he tattooed his neck, which not only signifies misguided turmoil, but also makes him look like a short, dirty giraffe, so …
IC: True. OK, we’ll believe you. (Cough, cough.)
IC: Back to Fashion Week. It’s true, you sewed his final collection?
LFM: Yes. He offered me a lifetime supply of crotch chains for my pants, like the ones we devised for his jet-setting outfit. They are magical, those chains. They attract the babes like nothing else. So, I left New York and went to L.A., and had a marvelous time with beach babes after I was done sewing.
IC: What happens now that you’ve confessed to helping Jeffrey cheat?
LFM: He’ll take the fall. He played up the asshole personality card on the show, so Bravo will kill him. Pretty simple.
IC: You mean, Bravo will disqualify him and kick him off the show.
LFM: Sure. Right.
IC: Why are you coming forward with this information? Are you concerned about your reputation?
LFM: Well, to be honest I don’t want to get squished by Laura Bennett. She’s a bitch in heels if I ever saw one. My reputation is still good. I’m an excellent sewer and my construction is flawless. Look at my collection! Everyone was surprised.
Don’t worry about me. Worry about the tattoo giraffe. He’s in major trouble.
IC: Thanks for your candidness, Mr. Mann.
LFM: Not a problem. Have a good time, here.
IC: We will!
1 Comment
October 13, 2006 at 9:15 am
This is not the only strange activity detected around Project Runway… for I have evidence that Project Runway turned my TiVo gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. See for yourself:
http://markdaycomedy.wordpress.com/tag/project-runway/