Goddamn baby. I hate her. I ordered her through that new company, AllCleanBaby, where you pay $5,000 to get this supposedly allergen-free kid.
All my life, babies have made me sneeze, develop rashes and got me nauseated. When I heard about AllCleanBaby, I thought, heck, I’m single and retired. I got time to devote to a new lady. I also run a lot and keep myself in shape, you know, so I thought I could buy this special kid and take her with me.
When she arrived, she was OK. Really white. Really clean. Things were OK. But then she got shit all over herself and I started getting skin infections after wiping her. Even hosing her down with toilet cleaner didn’t work. It made her skin red and my eyes started to itch. I started sneezing and then she threw up a bunch. Dumb baby.
I called the company for my money back, but apparently, there is some sort of clause that you have to keep the product with no returns after three months. Sickening waste of money. And now I’m stuck.
The kid was supposed to come toilet-trained, but she couldn’t even hold up her head until I made this neck ring that hooks on the wall. She can crawl to her food bowl now, but man, even looking at her filthy skin and matted-with-food hair makes me puke. I don’t even want to touch her, she makes me sneeze so bad.
I tried to shave her head with my electric razor to get rid of her hair (they say it works with some dogs) but I accidentally cut her scalp and she got these nasty scabs that make me gag when she tries to scratch them off. Never met a dumber baby.
This natural selection or gene thingy where they make these babies without allergen-causing proteins is shit. This stupid, dirty baby makes me sicker than a dog and I’m thinking about dumping her off at the Salvation Army soon if she doesn’t shape up. I’d eat her, but we Americans don’t do that stuff like the savages in Bangladesh.
So let this be a warning to you. AllCleanBaby should be sued for their damn faulty babies. Learn from my mistake and just stick with cats.
