My name is Jack Uthergand and I’m going to marry my kittens.
I don’t care about this New Jersey legislation and the gays marrying. Fine, let them marry, but what about me? I am deeply in love with my kittens and want to marry them, too. So I decided to do it myself.
Let me show you my darlings: the one on the left is Sparky, the middle one is Tiffany and the right one is Candy, my favorite. She has the sweetest breath and loves to snuggle in my arm pit.
The night of my proposal to them was magical. I bought them the best sushi and we sat together outside on the deck with the candles going, my old Bill Evans record playing and the kittens eating the sushi like there was no tomorrow. For dessert, we all lapped up mint chocolate chip ice cream from our favorite bowl and then I popped the question. They looked at me, and amazingly, all three meowed their consent. I was in tears and kissed them each on the forehead before putting them to bed.
After they said yes, I got tiny collars and engraved my promise to love, honor and obey on them. I even rewrote my will to have everything go to them in case of an untimely death.
I’ve always dreamed of a June wedding, so I plan to dress the kittens in filmy white organza and I’ve already ordered little white booties for them, which I will embroider with white seed pearls. It will be beautiful. My nephew Sam already agreed to drag a dead eel down the aisle so the kittens will follow him to meet me at the end.
I need to hire a minister, of course, and I hope my family will come. Heck, I even tracked down the kittens’ mother and asked her and her human to witness our happy day. The mother’s owner hung up on me, but I feel optimistic that she’ll allow Mitsy to come anyway. After all, it’s going to be a special day.
Honeymoon? Well, we talked about going to Mexico, but they’re afraid of contracting worms, so we’ll probably go to British Columbia and do some salmon fishing. I know it’s not completely traditional, but we’ll have a great time sneaking in little kisses as we fish.
I hope they’ll always love me like I love them. I think my heart would break if they ran after any Tom that caught their eye. I spayed them all, of course, because I couldn’t bear the thought of them being that way with another cat. I wish we could have kids, but of course, that hasn’t been developed yet. Someday, though, there will be a way, and believe me you, I’ll be the first in line. Until then, we just snuggle and I make sure to groom them and keep their ears clean.
I’m really the happiest man on earth. Every day, I shout to the world, “I love these kittens!” I can’t wait until we’re married. It’s going to be so great.
