My Anti-Allergy Baby Makes Me Sneeze

Goddamn baby. I hate her. I ordered her through that new company, AllCleanBaby, where you pay $5,000 to get this supposedly allergen-free kid.
All my life, babies have made me sneeze, develop rashes and got me nauseated. When I heard about AllCleanBaby, I thought, heck, I’m single and retired. I got time to devote to a [...]

I Wipe My Butt with Spinach

I’m not ashamed to confess that I wipe my butt with the dark, leafy-green vegetable known as spinach. As a world-traveling professional, I don’t have time to deal with rough, scratchy paper. It’s passé, it’s bestial, it’s coarse.
I carry bagged spinach and save half for a salad and half for my butt. Spinach is superior [...]